Status: 2024

I miss when life was still simple, and I was naive and joyful. I had never thought of "living in the future," yet it now feels like years away from when I was sane. I have stuff I haven't mentioned before on my first blogpost. I try keeping to my personal space, yet the cringe stuff of modernity and my fears always find me. I am especially vulnerable when researching, searching for art references, or trying to find my nostalgia online. I still though don't think anyone really gets me. I worry about this generation's teenagers these days, especially those born just a year before me that are literally now sixteen somehow, and I have had a terrible history with them for their vile behaviour and obnoxious TikTok/Twitter humour. I especially do not like those awful "skibidi toilet, rizz, sigma" stuff that is often used to stereotypically mock younger generations. I tried being open-minded to the Twittery "silly goober" trend (which I’ve especially seen in Minecraft modding servers) that I never mainly liked and nobody gets me for (because I'm very specific), but it ended up with even more cringe for a worse life. I don't like their obnoxious videos either. I wish I could block images from blacklisted websites online, but I can't, and so I still see images from horrible people. This fear of 2024 is also about how my thoughts of environmentalism have become. I was always into animals, and I liked to protect them, but ever since this year when I got into Pleistocene mammals (even scarier with elephants, animals I've always not liked for their trumpets, yet sadly are actually an intelligent ecosystem engineer that evolved to fill a benefitting niche somehow) and their extinction, alongside an expansion in speculative evolution (also known for Twitter users I find distressing), it had turned into fears of a future Earth in general. I really want to help for the environment in a calm way, but not in this distressing, urban-style "climate crisis" kind of thing were there are more than just animals. I might've just stood stuck to the dinosaurs, but even then I have fears of their CT scans potentially at hospitals (even though they're everywhere at museums/universities now), because of their ambulances I've never liked the sound of for years (God I don't want to think of that Ceratosuchops paper). I don't think people will get me for this either, but generic British paleo-media like Planet Dinosaur, Dinosaur Britain and Deadly Dinosaurs (basically anything by Jellyfish Studios and whatever) have been making me cringe with stuff like this, they're just cringingly generic, I don't know, yet Ben G. Thomas I've also found with that vibe, and I've never watched him so much. The modern palaeontology community I have already said is a little intimidating, and I much prefer the old days, where learning about dinosaurs felt prehistoric and exciting, especially where I could get immersed better in holiday spirit, childhood and good old documentaries like Walking With Dinosaurs. I wish I could go outdoors more easily, I can in the countryside on weekends, but my house is surrounded by a great sea of Birmingham suburb and city which I don't like, and has that cringey "modern urban community" vibe I don't like. Every time I'm out I have to be hit with a siren, which not only distresses me, but also reminds me of that horrible aggressive vibe. Talk of the NHS has scared me for years because of their ambulances, and yet I'm told to like them, it's embarassing. I really wish I could simplify again, but it's hard to forget all this, especially when you have to keep coming back to school in the unnerving Birmingham city. I am sorry if nobody gets me, but I could only be this specific on my worries, I can't describe them either. Life would be much better if I were just an Iguanodon in the good old days, but I'm unfortunately a sadly weird case of a human, raised in a city I shouldn't have been. It isn't just nostalgia, it's a missing of being content for being what I am. People may all be different, but I feel different on a scary level I can't find a good home to put my brain in. Every day is not without a siren. I especially am not a fan of those horrible teenage skeletal artists on Discord and Twitter, who have bantered me before and act very questionable. I miss life.

I also really want to make the looks of my apps less modern. I wish I could make Discord look more like an old message board. There’s even "silly" stuff in my server, but it would be sensitive to ban that out of my own preference.